I’ve always wanted to come to the UK, while I don’t exactly remember when from. Faced with continued rejections of my working holiday visa application and other personal circumstances, I did wonder whether this desire of mine was against God’s will, but it was hard to get my mind off it. ‘If it’s not what you want, I won’t go – but I would at least like to try my best while I have the chance’. With this prayer in my heart, I succeeded after four visa applications, and finally came to the UK.

Independence from my parents, living in a completely different environment (not just in terms of language, but all sorts of other aspects) – I expected that all these things would lead me to rely more on God. While this is completely normal for a Christian, I didn’t fully appreciate the implications and how difficult this road may be. I naively put myself to the test, in the testing field that is London.

This self-imposed test was rocky from the start. As soon as I arrived in London, I caught a cold which led to an inflammation in my throat for two months – once that was cured I then suffered from shingles. I didn’t understand why this kept on happening. I hated myself for being so vulnerable to stress and physical pain.

But one day, a thought came to me as I was praying. Who did I think I am, to think that I could easily endure all these hardships? I had forgotten that I was not as strong as I take myself to be – rather, I am weak, I am only human. God delights in prayers of thanks and love, but he also expects from us prayers such as “Lord, it hurts, and it’s painful that it hurts”. He also wants us to expose in front of him all the wounds in our heart, that we so desperately tried to hide.

I have an older brother who is disabled. Even though I was younger, letting him have his way was a must, and jealousy was a luxury for me. As the entire family was more focused on him, I was always second, and I was led to believe that my parents loved him the most. I of course know now that they love me too but back then, I did wonder whether they loved me at all. I always thought of my brother as someone who I had to protect, which meant that I had to force myself to be strong. I wasn’t used to expressing my feelings, and certainly not my struggles to others, even my parents. So it must have been hard for me too do so towards God as well.

People always say to me that I must have been loved a lot my entire life, and that I must have had an easy childhood. While I knew they meant well, I couldn’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable. ‘How can they say so when they don’t even know anything about me?’ was the predominant thought in my head.

But one day, at a Wednesday service, as I was praying I felt my wounded heart being touched by God, a thought came to me. ‘It must have been God who loved me so, so, so much, that’s why people must have thought that I had a blessed childhood’, ‘they were right – I had grown up being showered by the love of God’. Once I had confessed my innermost thoughts to God, I was so happy, it was as if I was floating on a cloud. I felt that he was comforting me. Since then, I am truly grateful whenever someone says that to me.
In hindsight, I think God wanted to touch my heart through the pain that I felt. ‘It’s okay that you’re weak, it’s okay that you’re not good at everything. I just love you as you are’ – those were the words that he wanted to say to me.

I now have a scar on my left hand from the shingles I’d suffered – but that’s fine. Every time I see my scars I’m reminded of his comforting embrace and love. I feel like I can share my story because it’s GVC. Thanks to all the people that I’ve met here, I’ve learned how to lay down everything in front of God, be it good or bad.

During my time in London, I’ve learned a lot about God’s love towards me, as well as discovered and experienced a lot of it as well. I wouldn’t have been able to carry out my life here had it not been for God’s grace. And I’m sure that will hold true for the days ahead as well.

I pray that GVC will experience more of God’s consoling love and embrace, with each passing day.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17)